Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
mmm onion ringos
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.