Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year