Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”