my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I鈥檓 very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over. Smile because your fingerprints aren鈥檛 in the database.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I couldn鈥檛 help but notice how you have pistachios that you鈥檇 probably like to share.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Wife: I鈥檓 thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.