So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]