that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
You Might Also Like
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Hello Twits.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.