“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.