My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it