Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.