I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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That took me a moment.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter