Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”