Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.