Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Writing, She Murdered.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants