“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I told my vodka about you.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Sorry not sorry.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.