instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Confused owl: What?!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
New menu item
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
The news in a nutshell.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the