I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
me opening up to someone
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.