love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?