Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
You have been warned.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
😅😅😅
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.