Worst Native American name ever.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
New mindset, who dis?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid