[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”