Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You Might Also Like
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.