Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
what’s more important?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I love it all