I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
lol
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced