Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
How is it still this week?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.