Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
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thanksgiving in nutshell
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I was just discussing this with my cat
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling