Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m too immature for adultery.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.