spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
no such thing as a dumb question
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
WHO DID THIS?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.