history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
You Might Also Like
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Kermit goes Blue.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on