Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20