*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Living the best life.. 😊
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.