“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
huge if true: the moon
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.