Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Wednesday
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*