“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Those are good neighbors.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake