absolute chaos
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Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Uh oh…
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT