My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
For anyone who needs this today
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.