What my back needs
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
🔦🌙👣
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
They’re on their honeymoon
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out