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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I have two kinds of followers
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.