[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Not today, today.
Not today.
when nothing goes right… go left
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake