[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.