Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.