Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.