Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.