Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…