‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Moms. The original autocorrect.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.