Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?