Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
LOL!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA