ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
socratic questions
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.