I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too