That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”