I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
LOOOOOOL
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
step 6: release the wall snake
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING